It's finally here! The fruit of my non-smoking labor is about to pay off! 🎉
I am excited and nervous to announce that this Tuesday, August 2nd, I will in fact be trippin’ balls for 8 hours. It's weird, since May I've just been telling myself "don't smoke, don't smoke, you have a drug test on June 29th..." and then the 29th of June came and I (to my surprise) conquered it. I say to my surprise because I would have thought that 2+ years of everyday smoking would have taken longer the 5-6 weeks to clear out of my system but the drug test came back negative, so I was good. Then the session following my June 29th visit came and the rest of the trial dates were solidified.
I'm excited about the experience for obvious reasons, but I'm also nervous. This whole time I've been making sure that I continue to "be good" and not do anything that will alter my mind and potentially show up on a drug test. During this Thursday's (7/28) session though, I realized the mental work I was about to have to do on this trip. I had a session with my dosing therapist and we talked about what I'd hope to gain from my psychedelic experience. It was a tough session that ultimately led to me shedding a few tears. We talked about how much of a planner I am, and how that can sometimes be to my detriment because I want everything to be perfect before I start it which, in a lot of cases, leads to me not starting it at all. We talked about how, as much work as I've done on myself personally, I still fear others' judgment which makes me want to run away: especially in emotionally volatile situations. 🥴
Needless to say, we talked about real things that will likely come up during my dosing session. The biggest of them all? How not to stand in my own way, especially when speaking in the realm of my desire to make a career out of being creative. All of my self-doubt, all of my perfectionism, and all of my lack of self-compassion will likely come out and it will be something that the mushrooms will make me face head-on. I'm happy that I'll have the support of my dosing therapist and others who have been with me during my qualification period for the trial, but this is also the first time that I've experienced mushrooms around other people. Which is weird and anxiety-riddled within itself.
All of my nervousness aside though, I really am excited. I'm excited that I'll be able to smoke again on August 3rd! And I'm excited that the trial may actually help in the sense that I might find relief from my Bipolar II depression for the next few months, may even upwards of 6 months. To be able to have a month where I don't feel sad for at least 2 weeks collectively will be awesome! So with all the anxiety that is now setting in, the excitement still ultimately wins out (I think).
On August 1st, tomorrow, I will be going up to Sheppard Pratt and getting my final drug test. I'll then meet with a doctor and do a baseline questionnaire to assess my mood and suicidal thoughts/ideations. I will then have an opportunity to see the dosing room and try on the shades and earmuffs so that on Tuesday, it won't be a totally foreign feeling. Then it's back to College Park for a good night's sleep before Dre drives me up in the morning. They told me that I have to have someone drive me because of safety precautions for the study. Most patients' effects of the psilocybin will wear off after 6-8 hours, but they want to be extra safe: which I get.
Well, 🫠...Signing off until next Sunday! Stay well lovely. 💖
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